Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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