nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
