I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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