If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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