How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
