You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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