Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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