I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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