Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex on a dog bed..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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