textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
