Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
