Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
