Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
ttyl tear gas
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
