omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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