You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
