apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
