Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
