My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
