Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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