some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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