I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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