I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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