Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
