do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
