When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
