i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
