apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
