your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
