Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's shark week go big or go home
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
