dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize