So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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