My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
