If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
