I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
