There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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