So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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