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My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
