dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
