yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
