Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
