I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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