I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
