I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize