My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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