Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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