I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize