FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
