I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
sex in a hospital.. check
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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