seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
