I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize