Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
