Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
