I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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