totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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