I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
