drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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