I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
