I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
