Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize