Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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