It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
