he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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