Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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