The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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