we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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