Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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