Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
