There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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