I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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